Not Me, at least thats what I used to think

This is for the people who know the pain I know. I really would rather not be so out spoken about something so private, but there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. And for the other 1% out there like me, WE are not alone.

Three days ago my world fell apart. I rushed home from work to spend my evening trapped in the bathroom. I knew what it was. I had had this feeling twice before. But still I kept telling myself everything was fine, it was just a little spotting. Lots of pregnant women have spotting in the first trimester, some even throughout their entire pregnancy; in my moments of doubt I had read all about it online. No one ever posted anything but reassurances for women who were worried about it. And for me it turned to be a false hope. A little spotting for me became another miscarriage. In a little less than a year, my third one in a row. 

It crushed me. I have no other words to convey the depth of my feeling.

I know being a mother is hard. I know that with the sweet innocence of babies and childhood there are times when you feel like pulling your hair out, its all so frustrating. The sleepless nights, the screaming kids, always cleaning someone else's mess. But I want it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet. I want that joy of being a mother in my life. 

And poor Rial, standing helplessly by as his wife, who he loves more than anything, sobs and cries for motherhood, which is once more snatched away, becoming as unobtainable as the sun in the dead of night. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. With the world full of positive pregnancy tests that bring tears of sorrow instead of joy, why must a couple such as us be denied? Why did we have to be that 1% of people to have initially miscarried 3 times in a row? We worked so hard. Bought a house. Fixed it up. All so we could raise a family in it. Our careful plan has gone awry and I feel like we missed a turn. What more could we have done? I wish I had the Lord's vision. I wish I could see the good that he must see in this. But I can't. Though the other night I did get close. 

It is so great the good reading scriptures, praying and priesthood blessing can do. I do not know why this has to happen to us. But I feel peace in knowing there is a reason and we shall benefit from it in the end. I still do not like it, but I am okay with it as I know it is in His hands and He has promised us with children.

The diagnosis: recurrent miscarriage. The prognosis: hopefully we'll know when we save up enough money to see the specialist (we are done being slave to the lender). In the meantime, I have been given hope by the one sure source and with my good husband, we will carry on.

Say What!?!

When I was approx, oh about, 13 years old I was very concerned that my sweet, naive little 6 yr younger sister might someday be convinced that vegetarian or even vegan might be the way to eat. I believe I had just learned about how important protein is in our diet in my home ec class. So I did the only thing I knew would work. I very seriously made her pinky swear that she would never, EVER, be a vegetarian. And there by ensured her future health.

I've been watching alot of food movies on netflix like: Forks Over Knives, Ingredients, and Fat Head. Its interesting, very interesting. Mostly because I'll watch one and think, "Yeah, that makes sense." and then I'll watch another that promotes a different diet and think, "yeah, that makes sense." But I think about both of them and the puzzle pieces don't match up.

OR

There's no way a diet based on eating fast food and limiting calories and a diet based on eliminating the eating of all animal substance can both be good for you. So I went to the ultimate source of knowledge and wisdom: the scriptures. And as it always does, here are the answers!

Doctrine and Covenants 89:12,13

12 Yea, ^aflesh also of ^bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used ^csparingly;

13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be ^aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or ^bfamine.

Problem solved! And unlike the worldly sources of how to eat healthy, this is so simple and makes so much sense. The way I think about it is that meat, and the fat that comes with it, both provide essential nutrients, building blocks for our bodies to function and grow. And back before freight and frigs and freezers, people ate abundant fruits and veggies in their seasons and ate animals in the winter when meat would store and give them that extra boost of calories to keep their bodies warm. It was a part of the plan for which Heavenly Father appointed the seasons.

Ta-Da! So its vegetarian by summer and omnivore by winter, for optimum health. And as to where eggs, fish, and dairy fit in, I say let the Lord's Spirit be your guide.

So I know it'll be a change for us and there is a very real reason for Rial and me to be starting our testing of these waters in the autumn and winter, haha, we love our meat and dairy. But I look forward to proving the Lord's words, and finding for myself, once again, of the eternal truths that they hold.

Bummers

Last Friday we miscarried. Its a hard feeling to describe. Well, its not just one feeling, its really a process of feelings. Impatience to be pain free, numb, absorbed in others and distant from myself, loneliness, overwhelming saddness, the loss of a dream, hope for tomorrow, and the regret of having to share such saddness with others.

Oh how I wish we didn't tell everyone we were pregnant in the first place. Its become such a laborious chore to tell everyone I meet up with the sad news. I hate it.

I also hate how little information there is on the internet about this. From what I gleamed from the internet and what people have told me about their experiences, this go around wasn't a viable pregnancy, as there was no baby that was developing, which is why my body let it go. It is easier knowing that though. But i still cried when I saw the cute baby clothes at the store on saturday and realized I had no reason to even consider buying them now. Luckily Rial was with me and was able to steer me away so I didn't cause a scene :).

And so now we're back to the waiting game

spilt beans

So as many people already know, we are pregnant! Yipee! Rial already spilt the beans on facebook yesterday, so sorry to everyone out there that would have liked to know before everyone else knew. Its hard for us to contain our enthusiasm for this next stage of our lives. As rial's mom said, "your lives will change forever." And its true; such is the joys, trials, pains, and blessings of being allowed to take this leap into the great unknown which is the future.

According to the web due date calculators April will be the month of pain and blessings for us, either sometime in the middle to a little later. And if thats true then that means we are about 3 weeks pregnant and our baby already has a heart! Isn't that incredible? We only found out 2 days ago and our little tyke/lady already has a heart! And eyes by the looks of this picture of a 3 week old. Sorry if you all could do without the image, but it fascinates me to think of all the growth that occurred in less than a month.

The only bummer thing is I've blocked out all my OB nursing due to the traumatic nature of how I was treated by my clinical instructor and should I have even breathed wrong I would be flunked immediately. I imagine for those who were not my classmates during this time period it would be difficult to understand just how awful my OB clinicals were under Yevette of Gateway. If you can imagine being stalked in the thick amazon jungles in the dark by a ravenous leopard who's guttural tones resonate the night of his need to kill and eat your flesh- then you can perhaps get a feel for just how overwhelmingly terrified I was of being failed and the resulting anxiety I have consequently incurred. I would have to be on the verge of death before I would ever consider walking out on an OB floor ever again.

So the short of it is, for better or worse, my OB nursing knowledge is locked away, safely inaccessible :), and I have lots to learn about the care I'm going to be needing, so its a good thing I've kept all my books. But the real question is does anyone know a good midwife and birthing center?

I... am... an RN!

So I did it! I took my nclex last week on thursday, and after a whole day of bracing myself for the heart-breaking news I had worried to pieces over, I looked up my name on the az nursing website and was delighted and oh so relieved to see that I passed. I think Rial is even more glad than I am, I really worried him when I came home crying after the test.

The nclex is a test that is certainly in a league of its own. Its a computerized test and there is a special way that they do it to find out what level you are and then they give you all the questions that match it, does that make sense? And then the computer looks to see if you are getting answers constantly right or consistently wrong. And the test just keeps going and going (75 to 265 questions) until the computer figures out if you are a safe nurse or not and then it just abruptly shuts off and leaves you hanging with the worst feeling in your gut. I answered about 77 questions.

So now I job hunt. But it looks like I might have a job soon in pediatric home care. I'm hoping everything works out and I can start working soon. 

bits and pieces

Its a happy time to be alive. I was once told that high adventure lies ahead, but I think we're starting to turn that corner.

This morning my dog's water dish was covered in ice, like a little mini skating rink. And boy! was the wind ever so cold as it blew. Unfortunately for my pup meiko, I chose to forgo her walk this morning. I've been training her to run as I pedal the bike and as long as the people in my neighborhood keep their dogs locked up it works out pretty good. Its a little annoying to have to slam on my brakes so we can turn around and return the loose dog back to its owner. but it usually goes well.

I've been getting back into the gardening thing. We even got the chicken coop moved so I could have a dog-free, bone-free garden. I've found at least 4 bones buried in my back yard in the past few months, or it may have been one bone buried in 4 different places. I'm not sure. But nonetheless, I'm so excited about the garden that will come in the spring. I found some strawberries, a golden raspberry, and a green grape plant all at walmart of all places. I planted the berries in the shade because last year the sun scorched the cumberland raspberries I got. And because Rial loves me ever so dearly, I picked up a 4 ft nectarine tree at home depot for only 15 bucks!

And I'm finally cleared to take my RN boards, its scheduled for the 17th of Feb. I'm so nervous, I feel like the stakes have never been higher, but I know Heavenly Father will support me if I only let Him. Just like how Rial and I were able to get through this last year. I was working on our taxes and it is positively astounding how we were able to make it with the money we made, I am so grateful we aren't doing this on our own.

Time flies when you're having fun

Its 2011. two thousand eleven! And here I am, still juggling to-do's, trying to figure out how to make it all fit. The sad thing is, I know what I'm supposed to do, Its just the actual doing of the prioritizing that's so hard.

If I ever had readers I'm sure they've all given up hope on reading anything worthwhile here, but I'm not giving up, its a new year and so here I go.

I'll start out by doing a nice recap of the last few months (excluding anything that has anything to do with nursing school, cause my pain is still too fresh). Maybe I'll talk about it in a month after I pass my boards and have a job.

We went and got ourselves a dog. Last october the animal shelter was having a special deal and Rial agreed to walk those sad smelly halls with me. I saw a couple maybe dogs, that tugged at my heart, but it wasn't till we had walked outside and looked back that we saw her. Rial stopped in his tracks and I followed suit. "thats a really pretty dog," I said, "You want to go back and see her?" I'm sure I sounded much too eager, but Rial agreed and we both fell in love. Growing up, Rial never had a dog and now he kinda wanted one. I'm always willing to take on more pets, so it's probably a good thing that I have rial to keep me from losing my common sense in this arena. I'm sure if I didn't have the upbringing I did, I would be a high risk for becoming one of those crazy cat ladies.

Four days later I brought meiko home and we couldn't be happier. She's such a good dog, a short haired husky mix, very submissive, almost never barks. My 3 year old niece plays with her and I'm always happy with how meiko responds to her, she'll run away and use evasive maneuvers if things get too noisy for her, which is good cause we don't want to keep loud mean animals.

One of the original black chickens got sick and died a while ago, poor Russette. But since then our neighbors caught a wild chicken and gave her to us. I think she's an Easter Egger from her coloring and I named her Antoinette. So far our 2 barred rocks and 2 Americanas are all laying now- cream and light blue eggs- YUM! Its great getting fresh eggs.

Unfortunately, my bag of chicken feed has attracted some unwanted guests in our storage shed and attic. If you guessed rats, you're right. Ew. I had thought mice, but suprise! I found dead rats in my traps instead. But the really scary thing was how the dead rats kept disappearing after the traps went off and I'd find the trap clear on the other side of the shed. I was really starting to wonder whether the rats of NIMH weren't imaginary after all. Then I figured out what was really going on. Rat cannibalism. I guess with my chicken feed locked up, food must be pretty scarce for them. Still, it gives me the willies. I hate having the rats, but I am so thankful that they haven't invaded the home part of our house.

We're nearly done fixing up our master bath. Everything is done except one more coat of paint on the wall and cleaning up and sealing the grout in the shower. Eeeeee! so close! I'm really glad with how its turned out and all the great deals we've found on our materials. We even found the smallest double sink in existence at ikea (we have a small bathroom).

And thats all I can think of so far, ta-ta for now!