10,000 miles per hour

Thats how fast life seems to fly for me. Wake up, care for Ronan, laundry, feed Ronan, dishes, feed Ronan, bounce Ronan, hold him so he'll stay asleep, watch byu devontionals on roku, hand off Ronan to my sister Cami, and go to work, come home and care for the boy again. And next day: Repeat!

I'm sitting here blinking, how can it already be june? It still feels like march (minus the heat). If variety is the spice of life, I'm about as bland as cornstarch. And I feel it. Life is too short to let it just pass by, but I guess thats easier said than done.

But as ever, life is constant change. And believe me, I'm catching onto this blah I've turned into. So along with revamping my diet (read 'nourishing traditions' its an amazing book, not just for pregnant ladies and their babies, everyone should read it) i'm also going to take house chores less seriously, cause really, the sink is never clean anyways, and laundry never goes away either, so i might as well have some fun and not stress getting it done asap. So i buy a few new songs on itunes and write a little of my thoughts down and nurse my bald little grunting child.

He is truly the most precious thing in my life. When he was born, a whole new part of my heart opened up, just for him. Which is good, because he is such a little firecracker, i've been overwhelmed not a few times. And while i might entertain the thought of giving my dogs up once in a while, I can only love Ronan and wish i was better equipped to give him what he needs.

His cousin Barrett was born a week after him. And the difference between the two is stark. Ronan is a little wiggle worm, and Barrett is calm and still. Ronan is bald and Barrett has brown hair. Ronan needs to be walked or bounced or nursed or he cries. Barrett is content resting and looking around if he isn't hungry. At least these have been my observations when our families get together. Its amazing how unique even babies are one from another.

But i supposed thats enough of my ramblings for now, at least.

polish bread

I found this recipe on cooks.com and there was no pic so I couldn't use pinterest so I am posting it so I can pin it.

Polish Bread!

5-6 c. flour
1 tsp. salt
1 cake yeast (or 1 package of active dry yeast)
1/2 c. warm water (104-115°F)
3/4 c. sugar
1 1/2 c. milk
1/4 lb. butter
3/4 c. golden raisins
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs, beaten

Note: The original recipe called for the use of fresh cake yeast, but active dry yeast may be substituted. At Cooks.com Test Kitchen we have tested this bread with both fresh cake yeast and active dry yeast, but prefer the fresh yeast in this instance because there is a slower rise and a this provides a more flavorful result. But you be the judge!In a saucepan, heat milk. Add butter and heat until the butter is melted. Pour into a large bowl. Stir in sugar and salt. Allow to cool to lukewarm.
Crumble (or stir) yeast into warm water until yeast is dissolved. Let sit approximately 5 minutes. Add to cooled milk.
Stir in eggs and vanilla. Gradually add flour and knead dough in bowl (for approximately 1/2 hour if done by hand) until dough no longer sticks to hands. Add raisins and knead into dough.
Note: We used the kneading attachment of an electric mixer for 12 minutes.
Cover with a clean towel and let rise a in warm place, free from draft until doubled (approximately 1 hour).
Punch down dough. Cover and let rise again. Punch down again.
Divide dough in half and put into 2 greased 9x5 inch bread pans or 1 angel food cake pan (without tube) for a large traditional bread.
Mix 1 egg yolk and 2 tablespoons water. Brush top of bread with mixture and let rise uncovered in a warm place until doubled.
Bake at 350°F 30-35 minutes for 9x5 inch pans or 40-50 minutes for large pan, or until bread is golden and loaves sound hollow when tapped on the bottom.
This is a traditional Polish bread recipe that is served during the Easter and Christmas Holidays.

Some People

I church on sunday Rial and I got to go to his cousin's farewell. It was a miracle sunday. I didn't have a headache, not even a little one. For the last 3 sundays I have skipped out on sacrament meeting due to monster headaches and only gone to primary b/c Rial can't teach our class by himself.

I was so happy to be able to finally partake of the sacrament again. Though we did miss the opening hymn and prayer. After announcements the organ began to play as usual, and then the lady right behind me began humming along, off-key. And then singing, off-key.

I started to feel annoyed, but then another miracle occurred. I remembered a little boy with brain damage I knew and have sung count-less songs with, and I thought of how poorly he sung by the world's standards. And I thought of how pure his heart was and how I felt the first time I heard him sing "I Am a Child of God", and I knew of God's love for this women and His pleasure at hearing her sing praises to Him. I wished my heart could be that pure.

Perhaps this lady wasn't like the little boy I knew, but if not, I admired her courage at not caring what the world may think of her voice, but raising it up and praising her God through song.

Either way, I was blessed to hear her sing off-key. It strengthened my testimony and made me want to be a better person.

maybe this time?

There must be a lot of people praying for us and our future children, because we made it past the dreaded week 7. And it kind of lit a fire in me. All of a sudden, I had to, I needed to be seen by somebody, anybody that could tell me what was going on. I called, and called. Then another miracle happened and I was able to be seen as a new patient on the same day.

I cried after I hung up the phone. I was going to be seen. For so long no one would see me. And now I was going to be seen, my unspoken fears and concerns were going to be addressed. I was so unbelievably happy.

The doctor ordered some blood work to check my hormone levels. AND I was going to get an ultrasound asap to check viability and an uncertain due date.

I cried again during my ultrasound. There was a real baby inside of there. A baby I watch moving around inside of me on the ultrasound screen. A baby that had arms and legs, and even fingers on its hands. I watched it little heart beat. It had a healthy heart rate of 170 beats per min.

Can you see his/her little hand and fingers? Its harder to see in a still picture than when watching the ultrasound movie. Sara the tech told me that based on my baby's measurements he/she was 10 weeks and 1 day +/- 5 days old. 

I feel so crazy blessed to have this. I know I could still miscarry, but I don't feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable anymore. Its like, proof that we really do have a chance. And all the baby and pregnancy stuff I just couldn't think about before, well, its just nice to be able to. 

So keep up the praying and I'll do my best to eat with my nausea, and hopefully by march 5 2013 Rial and I will finally get to join the parent's club.

Not Me, at least thats what I used to think

This is for the people who know the pain I know. I really would rather not be so out spoken about something so private, but there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. And for the other 1% out there like me, WE are not alone.

Three days ago my world fell apart. I rushed home from work to spend my evening trapped in the bathroom. I knew what it was. I had had this feeling twice before. But still I kept telling myself everything was fine, it was just a little spotting. Lots of pregnant women have spotting in the first trimester, some even throughout their entire pregnancy; in my moments of doubt I had read all about it online. No one ever posted anything but reassurances for women who were worried about it. And for me it turned to be a false hope. A little spotting for me became another miscarriage. In a little less than a year, my third one in a row. 

It crushed me. I have no other words to convey the depth of my feeling.

I know being a mother is hard. I know that with the sweet innocence of babies and childhood there are times when you feel like pulling your hair out, its all so frustrating. The sleepless nights, the screaming kids, always cleaning someone else's mess. But I want it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet. I want that joy of being a mother in my life. 

And poor Rial, standing helplessly by as his wife, who he loves more than anything, sobs and cries for motherhood, which is once more snatched away, becoming as unobtainable as the sun in the dead of night. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. With the world full of positive pregnancy tests that bring tears of sorrow instead of joy, why must a couple such as us be denied? Why did we have to be that 1% of people to have initially miscarried 3 times in a row? We worked so hard. Bought a house. Fixed it up. All so we could raise a family in it. Our careful plan has gone awry and I feel like we missed a turn. What more could we have done? I wish I had the Lord's vision. I wish I could see the good that he must see in this. But I can't. Though the other night I did get close. 

It is so great the good reading scriptures, praying and priesthood blessing can do. I do not know why this has to happen to us. But I feel peace in knowing there is a reason and we shall benefit from it in the end. I still do not like it, but I am okay with it as I know it is in His hands and He has promised us with children.

The diagnosis: recurrent miscarriage. The prognosis: hopefully we'll know when we save up enough money to see the specialist (we are done being slave to the lender). In the meantime, I have been given hope by the one sure source and with my good husband, we will carry on.

Say What!?!

When I was approx, oh about, 13 years old I was very concerned that my sweet, naive little 6 yr younger sister might someday be convinced that vegetarian or even vegan might be the way to eat. I believe I had just learned about how important protein is in our diet in my home ec class. So I did the only thing I knew would work. I very seriously made her pinky swear that she would never, EVER, be a vegetarian. And there by ensured her future health.

I've been watching alot of food movies on netflix like: Forks Over Knives, Ingredients, and Fat Head. Its interesting, very interesting. Mostly because I'll watch one and think, "Yeah, that makes sense." and then I'll watch another that promotes a different diet and think, "yeah, that makes sense." But I think about both of them and the puzzle pieces don't match up.

OR

There's no way a diet based on eating fast food and limiting calories and a diet based on eliminating the eating of all animal substance can both be good for you. So I went to the ultimate source of knowledge and wisdom: the scriptures. And as it always does, here are the answers!

Doctrine and Covenants 89:12,13

12 Yea, ^aflesh also of ^bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used ^csparingly;

13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be ^aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or ^bfamine.

Problem solved! And unlike the worldly sources of how to eat healthy, this is so simple and makes so much sense. The way I think about it is that meat, and the fat that comes with it, both provide essential nutrients, building blocks for our bodies to function and grow. And back before freight and frigs and freezers, people ate abundant fruits and veggies in their seasons and ate animals in the winter when meat would store and give them that extra boost of calories to keep their bodies warm. It was a part of the plan for which Heavenly Father appointed the seasons.

Ta-Da! So its vegetarian by summer and omnivore by winter, for optimum health. And as to where eggs, fish, and dairy fit in, I say let the Lord's Spirit be your guide.

So I know it'll be a change for us and there is a very real reason for Rial and me to be starting our testing of these waters in the autumn and winter, haha, we love our meat and dairy. But I look forward to proving the Lord's words, and finding for myself, once again, of the eternal truths that they hold.

Bummers

Last Friday we miscarried. Its a hard feeling to describe. Well, its not just one feeling, its really a process of feelings. Impatience to be pain free, numb, absorbed in others and distant from myself, loneliness, overwhelming saddness, the loss of a dream, hope for tomorrow, and the regret of having to share such saddness with others.

Oh how I wish we didn't tell everyone we were pregnant in the first place. Its become such a laborious chore to tell everyone I meet up with the sad news. I hate it.

I also hate how little information there is on the internet about this. From what I gleamed from the internet and what people have told me about their experiences, this go around wasn't a viable pregnancy, as there was no baby that was developing, which is why my body let it go. It is easier knowing that though. But i still cried when I saw the cute baby clothes at the store on saturday and realized I had no reason to even consider buying them now. Luckily Rial was with me and was able to steer me away so I didn't cause a scene :).

And so now we're back to the waiting game