Bummers

Last Friday we miscarried. Its a hard feeling to describe. Well, its not just one feeling, its really a process of feelings. Impatience to be pain free, numb, absorbed in others and distant from myself, loneliness, overwhelming saddness, the loss of a dream, hope for tomorrow, and the regret of having to share such saddness with others.

Oh how I wish we didn't tell everyone we were pregnant in the first place. Its become such a laborious chore to tell everyone I meet up with the sad news. I hate it.

I also hate how little information there is on the internet about this. From what I gleamed from the internet and what people have told me about their experiences, this go around wasn't a viable pregnancy, as there was no baby that was developing, which is why my body let it go. It is easier knowing that though. But i still cried when I saw the cute baby clothes at the store on saturday and realized I had no reason to even consider buying them now. Luckily Rial was with me and was able to steer me away so I didn't cause a scene :).

And so now we're back to the waiting game

spilt beans

So as many people already know, we are pregnant! Yipee! Rial already spilt the beans on facebook yesterday, so sorry to everyone out there that would have liked to know before everyone else knew. Its hard for us to contain our enthusiasm for this next stage of our lives. As rial's mom said, "your lives will change forever." And its true; such is the joys, trials, pains, and blessings of being allowed to take this leap into the great unknown which is the future.

According to the web due date calculators April will be the month of pain and blessings for us, either sometime in the middle to a little later. And if thats true then that means we are about 3 weeks pregnant and our baby already has a heart! Isn't that incredible? We only found out 2 days ago and our little tyke/lady already has a heart! And eyes by the looks of this picture of a 3 week old. Sorry if you all could do without the image, but it fascinates me to think of all the growth that occurred in less than a month.

The only bummer thing is I've blocked out all my OB nursing due to the traumatic nature of how I was treated by my clinical instructor and should I have even breathed wrong I would be flunked immediately. I imagine for those who were not my classmates during this time period it would be difficult to understand just how awful my OB clinicals were under Yevette of Gateway. If you can imagine being stalked in the thick amazon jungles in the dark by a ravenous leopard who's guttural tones resonate the night of his need to kill and eat your flesh- then you can perhaps get a feel for just how overwhelmingly terrified I was of being failed and the resulting anxiety I have consequently incurred. I would have to be on the verge of death before I would ever consider walking out on an OB floor ever again.

So the short of it is, for better or worse, my OB nursing knowledge is locked away, safely inaccessible :), and I have lots to learn about the care I'm going to be needing, so its a good thing I've kept all my books. But the real question is does anyone know a good midwife and birthing center?

I... am... an RN!

So I did it! I took my nclex last week on thursday, and after a whole day of bracing myself for the heart-breaking news I had worried to pieces over, I looked up my name on the az nursing website and was delighted and oh so relieved to see that I passed. I think Rial is even more glad than I am, I really worried him when I came home crying after the test.

The nclex is a test that is certainly in a league of its own. Its a computerized test and there is a special way that they do it to find out what level you are and then they give you all the questions that match it, does that make sense? And then the computer looks to see if you are getting answers constantly right or consistently wrong. And the test just keeps going and going (75 to 265 questions) until the computer figures out if you are a safe nurse or not and then it just abruptly shuts off and leaves you hanging with the worst feeling in your gut. I answered about 77 questions.

So now I job hunt. But it looks like I might have a job soon in pediatric home care. I'm hoping everything works out and I can start working soon. 

bits and pieces

Its a happy time to be alive. I was once told that high adventure lies ahead, but I think we're starting to turn that corner.

This morning my dog's water dish was covered in ice, like a little mini skating rink. And boy! was the wind ever so cold as it blew. Unfortunately for my pup meiko, I chose to forgo her walk this morning. I've been training her to run as I pedal the bike and as long as the people in my neighborhood keep their dogs locked up it works out pretty good. Its a little annoying to have to slam on my brakes so we can turn around and return the loose dog back to its owner. but it usually goes well.

I've been getting back into the gardening thing. We even got the chicken coop moved so I could have a dog-free, bone-free garden. I've found at least 4 bones buried in my back yard in the past few months, or it may have been one bone buried in 4 different places. I'm not sure. But nonetheless, I'm so excited about the garden that will come in the spring. I found some strawberries, a golden raspberry, and a green grape plant all at walmart of all places. I planted the berries in the shade because last year the sun scorched the cumberland raspberries I got. And because Rial loves me ever so dearly, I picked up a 4 ft nectarine tree at home depot for only 15 bucks!

And I'm finally cleared to take my RN boards, its scheduled for the 17th of Feb. I'm so nervous, I feel like the stakes have never been higher, but I know Heavenly Father will support me if I only let Him. Just like how Rial and I were able to get through this last year. I was working on our taxes and it is positively astounding how we were able to make it with the money we made, I am so grateful we aren't doing this on our own.

Time flies when you're having fun

Its 2011. two thousand eleven! And here I am, still juggling to-do's, trying to figure out how to make it all fit. The sad thing is, I know what I'm supposed to do, Its just the actual doing of the prioritizing that's so hard.

If I ever had readers I'm sure they've all given up hope on reading anything worthwhile here, but I'm not giving up, its a new year and so here I go.

I'll start out by doing a nice recap of the last few months (excluding anything that has anything to do with nursing school, cause my pain is still too fresh). Maybe I'll talk about it in a month after I pass my boards and have a job.

We went and got ourselves a dog. Last october the animal shelter was having a special deal and Rial agreed to walk those sad smelly halls with me. I saw a couple maybe dogs, that tugged at my heart, but it wasn't till we had walked outside and looked back that we saw her. Rial stopped in his tracks and I followed suit. "thats a really pretty dog," I said, "You want to go back and see her?" I'm sure I sounded much too eager, but Rial agreed and we both fell in love. Growing up, Rial never had a dog and now he kinda wanted one. I'm always willing to take on more pets, so it's probably a good thing that I have rial to keep me from losing my common sense in this arena. I'm sure if I didn't have the upbringing I did, I would be a high risk for becoming one of those crazy cat ladies.

Four days later I brought meiko home and we couldn't be happier. She's such a good dog, a short haired husky mix, very submissive, almost never barks. My 3 year old niece plays with her and I'm always happy with how meiko responds to her, she'll run away and use evasive maneuvers if things get too noisy for her, which is good cause we don't want to keep loud mean animals.

One of the original black chickens got sick and died a while ago, poor Russette. But since then our neighbors caught a wild chicken and gave her to us. I think she's an Easter Egger from her coloring and I named her Antoinette. So far our 2 barred rocks and 2 Americanas are all laying now- cream and light blue eggs- YUM! Its great getting fresh eggs.

Unfortunately, my bag of chicken feed has attracted some unwanted guests in our storage shed and attic. If you guessed rats, you're right. Ew. I had thought mice, but suprise! I found dead rats in my traps instead. But the really scary thing was how the dead rats kept disappearing after the traps went off and I'd find the trap clear on the other side of the shed. I was really starting to wonder whether the rats of NIMH weren't imaginary after all. Then I figured out what was really going on. Rat cannibalism. I guess with my chicken feed locked up, food must be pretty scarce for them. Still, it gives me the willies. I hate having the rats, but I am so thankful that they haven't invaded the home part of our house.

We're nearly done fixing up our master bath. Everything is done except one more coat of paint on the wall and cleaning up and sealing the grout in the shower. Eeeeee! so close! I'm really glad with how its turned out and all the great deals we've found on our materials. We even found the smallest double sink in existence at ikea (we have a small bathroom).

And thats all I can think of so far, ta-ta for now!

so I've been kinda busy...

or maybe I've just been kinda lazy. Or I just don't really know how to organize the duties of my life right. Sad to say, i'm leaning towards the latter. Which means I'm sure I'll be having a lovely learning experience about that all too soon. I'm always so happy after these kind of experiences. And if I ever had the chance to do one over again I would. But, getting through the learning experience is usually not very fun. Darn growing pains.

I've done alot of growing in my life. I like to think about who I used to be and who I am now. And make comparisons. It helps me feel good about those un-fun learning experiences. Hmmm, its kinda funny cause I really don't like change. When ever something drastically changes in my life it throws everything out of whack, and I'm stuck doing damage control. But once all the pieces have been picked up and rearranged to work again, its always something to feel good about. Really good about. It just takes a while to get there. And then of course its after that that the next big change comes along, messing it all up again. My dad once told me "change is one of the few things in the universe that never changes". Kind of ironic isn't it?

I think thats why its so important to "be of good cheer". Because life is never going to stop throwing stuff at you and if you only choose to be happy during those brief periods of respite, that makes for alot of time being unhappy. Of course just learning to do that can be a challenge in and of itself- to be happy during hard times. Its a lesson I'm feel like I'll be trying to learn all my life.

But anyways, what I really wanted to write about here was all the things I've been up to since I abandoned my blog. my grass is growing. I've learned that if you want nice bermuda grass that cutting it really short is the way to go cause its only the very top bit that stays green anyway. My raspberry plants look dead. I shaded their leaves, but I'm thinking they died cause the dirt and their roots heated up too much. Rial wasn't very happy to learn that. Our bathrooms a mess cause we tore out the old shower and are building a new one. We moved the sink over 5 inches, yipee! The rest of our roosters were killed last saturday morning. Oh yeah, and we got 4 more hens a few months ago- 2 easter eggers and 2 barred rocks. I love the barred rocks, they are so soft and fluffy. But when we were plucking the roosters we found a few louse. Ewwwwwww. so gross. So thats one more thing on my to-do list. Still no eggs, but hopefully in a week or two the oldest hens will start laying (there are 6 total now- russette, black cap, glenda, elfeba, chex and bandit). And I passed my last semester, fheww! What a trial that was. But I am so glad I passed. It was all thanks to Heavenly Father. I never, ever could have made it through all that from the last three months with out Him. Its a really long story and it makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it.

So now that I've repented and am trying to change my ways, hopefully I'll be writing soon.

meet strider and cloud

I called him cloud cause he had little white patches on his wings when he was a chick.


And you can see here, strider is sporting the lovely feathered feet that make me think of him as a cowboy. It was such a shame they turned out to be roosters, they are such beautiful birds. I've decided my flock is a welsummer mix. Its the only breed that almost matches perfectly.
_
I had been hoping for sometime now that I would have some lovely hens in my batch of chicks, and as it turns out I do- russette and blackcap are little girls. But as for the rest its only been a matter of time.
_
A week ago they started crowing.
_
But since Rial and I are up before 7:00 am when it starts, we didn't mind it so much. But I can't say the same for our neighbors. I haven't heard a complain, but I know I would grumble and whine about it everyday if it had been affecting my sleep pattern.
_
And so today we decided to have some capon for dinner. Strider and Cloud were picked cause they're the biggest, the loudest, and they've started picking on beautrice (my favorite rooster of the bunch).
_
Lucky for us, Rial and I have both been on pioneer treks and we've seen the butchering of a chicken in action.
_
First we hung them up by their feet (if you let them run about without their heads they taste more gamey). Then we got a pot of water boiling (outside). Then we found a knife and cut the heads super quick. After they stopped flapping we dunk them in the water to loosen the feathers, and got started plucking them and gutting them (which was easier than I thought).

Smile for the camera boys!
I've never killed an animal before and I was really nervous thinking about it last week. Because I love animals. I even wanted to be a veterinarian when I was eight. And seeing as I balled my eyes out for 2 hours straight when my pet cat buck died 4 years ago, I thought I would cry at least once. But I didn't. I didn't even feel bad for sending cloud and strider on their ways. It really felt kind of natural to do it, like growing a garden. And after we got them all cleaned up, I was really looking forward to letting them sit in some mesquite marinade so we could have a nice home cook meal tonight.
_
It makes me think about the movie Food Inc. which is an awesome movie, please see it if you haven't. Its so crazy to think how disconnected our society is from the food we eat. I mean, for all we know our eggs, milk, fruit, veggies, meats- they just magically replicate themselves on the grocery store shelf after being bought and consumed. It is positively alarming to think just how little we know about what happens to our food before we bring it home to eat. And since I've watched Food Inc. I've been more selective about the items I purchase to eat, and I've decided to grow as much of my own food as I can. Not just because of my moral compass, but because EVERTHING seems to taste 10 times better the closer it is to home grown. Tomatoes are such a great example of this. And organic milk is soooooo worth the extra $1.50 to me. It just tastes so good!